Hello lovely human, and welcome back to my thoughts!
As you know, I constantly challenge my thoughts and beliefs because I find myself adopting some that do not serve me in the bigger scheme of things. It wasn’t until my relationship developed more deeply that I discovered some beliefs that, though I thought were there to support me, proved to be quite limiting and disruptive. Luckily, even though sometimes it doesn’t feel that way, my boyfriend challenges my beliefs just as much as I question them myself.
On a more specific note, I want to bring out a topic that was brought up to my attention this past week.
This past week, I spent a few wonderful days with his family up north. I had an opportunity to get to know and bond with his family. Which warmed up my heart in a way I’ve never known before.
On our first night, we all sat around the fire, talking, laughing, drinking, it was a good old time.
Then a moment brought in my anxiety. A bottle was accidentally tipped over and shattered on the floor we were all on barefoot. I immediately jumped into my role of “I’ll fix it” and brought the broom over. His sister joined me on the quest to find all the little pieces of glass until we had collected them all. In a way, it was a nice bonding experience with her, to which I am grateful. And although it was all done casually and with a smile, it brought over a sense of responsibility for me that I could not fully relax thereafter. I wasn’t sitting there anxious or stressed, but I was alert, and as such, had chosen to stop drinking, just in case.
The following day, he and I went for a walk. I had not intended to talk about the moment from the previous night, which was really a nonissue, it had came up organically. The universe had other plans.
I shared with him what happens in my inner world when I see someone drinking and slowly losing more control over themselves and the situation. I expressed the anxiety that comes up for me in these moments. “I was the responsible one of the group” I told him when describing my early partying days. I was the one who would make sure my girlfriends weren’t falling over when leaving the club. I was the one making sure people got home safely. And, if I’m being honest with myself, and you dear reader, a part of me resented that. I wanted to party. I wanted to drink, and dance, and laugh, and enjoy my evening, but because some of my friends didn’t respect their limits, and because I loved them and wanted to keep them safe, I had to be the caretaker because, well, someone had to, right?
All this I expressed to my boyfriend. To which he replied a truth that wasn’t easy for me to hear. As all things that are different from what we’re used to.
He said to me “if you’re expecting me to stop partying the way that makes me happy, to stop enjoying myself my way, because YOU feel uncomfortable and anxious. If you expect me to stop because it would make you feel better, then you will be disappointed.” Granted, it’s a harsh thing to say and to hear, especially from someone you love. But the truth behind this is that I was, and often still do, try to control my external environment so I can be more comfortable in my inner world. How often do I try to control situations? As someone with anxiety, it happens quite often.
It was important for me to express to him, however, the intention with my controlling mentality. Where it comes from, and why.
It’s not because I want to party my way and everything needs to happen a certain way for me to be happy and enjoy myself. I expressed that my anxiety stems from my fear of someone I loved getting hurt in a way that is non-recoverable (always to the extreme, thanks mind).
I am so afraid of someone hurting themselves, that I am constantly on the lookout for it. And that, he said, was not a great way to live your life, not to mention it’s exhausting. Both points I agree with.
If I constantly walk around in my life, waiting for something to go wrong, not only will it go wrong, since the law of attraction dictates that you attract what you put out, but more so than that, I’m missing the point. I’m missing the fun. I’m missing life, as it is.
As I write this, I’m remembering a moment in one of the workshops I had done a few years back. The workshop was about Presence. And may I say, my dear reader, it’s one for the archives. My teacher of many years offers incredible workshops that brought me closer to myself. I highly recommend you check her out if this specific workshop resonates. Her name is Ramya, and she can be found at www.floramya.com. Now back to my story:
The group was seated around and were asked to share an experience or thought of their choice. The objective was to stay present with the story and pay attention to the details.
A few minutes into the story, a memory came up for me that related to what was being shared. I held onto the memory tightly so I wouldn’t forget it when it was my chance to share it.
Two minutes later, I realized I was focusing on my memory that I didn’t hear anything the person had shared. I had completely missed the rest of their story because I was in my head.
Have you ever heard the saying “life happens when you’re busy making other plans”? Well, real life was happening while I was busy being afraid of what might happen. I was missing the jokes, missing the laughs, missing the adventures because I was afraid of what might happen.
This was true again during another time this week.
We had gone for a night walk in the woods. My boyfriend's mother, ever the adventurer, suggested we turn off the flashlights and walk in the dark for a bit. I loved the idea and jumped at the opportunity. But a part of me was afraid of tripping, afraid of someone else tripping, afraid of getting lost, afraid of stepping on something. Afraid, afraid, afraid... And you know what? None of these things happened, but that’s where my mind went. The reality was, the moon lit up the path just enough for us to see our way. The path was a straight line and getting lost was, in fact, not possible. And we were all walking slowly and carefully so that tripping was possible, but unlikely. And even if someone were to trip, then they trip, and laugh, and get up, and enjoy the memory we just made.
All this came up for me this week.
How much of life am I missing while I try to control my outside world. How much joy am I blinded to because I’m too focused on things being what I think I want them to be?
And how much longer will I live this way before I realize my life is happening just out of my reach? It’s OK for things to happen, they are meant to. Good and bad, happy and sad. It’s all part of life, and to truly live it, to truly experience life, I must get out of the way and watch as it unfolds.
My controlling side of me resisted the words my lover said that day. But the real me knew it was Truth being spoken. Truth being shown to me. A mirror I cannot escape, and one I don’t want to.
Some lessons are hard to learn because we hold onto our old beliefs and ways of thinking. Even though they do not serve our higher selves. When we let go of the need to control, we allow what is to come through. We allow life to show us exactly what it’s all about.
This is a lesson I may need to learn a few more times, but I welcome it when it comes, because I know it will bring me closer to myself.
I invite you to join me on this quest for truth beyond the mind, beyond old beliefs, conditionings, and patterns. I invite you to live life in its full beauty.
As always, with love and kindness,
~L
